When Anger Isn’t Just Anger: How Men’s Emotions Show Up in Relationships

When Anger Isn’t Just Anger: How Men’s Emotions Show Up in Relationships

Many men come to therapy because of anger — a fight that went too far, a partner who’s had enough, or a growing sense that life just feels out of control. Anger is often what gets noticed first, but it’s rarely the full story.

The Message Beneath the Anger

Anger is one of the few emotions that men are often taught they’re “allowed” to express. From a young age, many boys learn to suppress sadness, fear, or shame — to stay strong, composed, or in control. But those emotions don’t disappear; they get buried. Over time, they can build up and come out sideways — often as irritability, frustration, or rage.

When anger becomes the default response, it can create distance in relationships. Partners feel shut out or unsafe, and men feel misunderstood or blamed. In truth, anger is often a protective emotion — it shields something more vulnerable underneath.

Writer and journalist Liz Plank, in her book For the Love of Men, explores how traditional expectations of masculinity have taught men to disconnect from vulnerability and emotional expression. Her work offers an insightful look at how cultural messages about strength and control shape not only how men experience anger but also how they experience love and connection. Understanding this broader context can help men begin to see their anger not as a flaw, but as a signal — pointing toward something deeper that needs attention.

What Might Be Underneath

For many men I work with in Birmingham, anger often hides:

• Hurt — feeling dismissed, rejected, or unseen.

• Fear — of being judged, failing, or losing control.

• Shame — the painful sense of not being “enough.”

Learning to identify what’s really happening beneath the surface can change everything. Instead of reacting in anger, men can begin responding with honesty and connection — which opens the door to healthier communication and intimacy.

Healing Through Connection

Therapy isn’t about “getting rid” of anger; it’s about understanding what it’s trying to say. Within the therapy space, men can explore the emotional patterns that fuel their reactions and learn new ways to relate — both to themselves and the people they care about.

As a therapist, I see this play out in ever deepening ways — the willingness to stop fighting and start listening to what’s really going on inside.

If you’ve found yourself feeling angry, disconnected, or stuck in painful relationship patterns, there are legitimate reasons for how you got here, and it means something deeper is asking for attention.

Taking the Next Step

If this resonates with you, I’d be honored to help you explore it further. Together, we can look at what’s beneath the surface and begin building a different kind of strength — one grounded in awareness, connection, and choice.

👉 Learn more about therapy for men and relationships in Birmingham, AL www.briantmurphy.com.

About the Author

Brian T. Murphy, LPC-MHSP, is a psychotherapist based in Birmingham, Alabama, specializing in trauma, relationships, and men’s emotional health. He works with individuals and couples to help them understand the deeper emotions that shape their relationships — including anger, shame, and disconnection.

Brian’s therapeutic approach blends relational psychodynamic therapy, somatic awareness, and advanced EMDR techniques, helping clients build greater self-awareness, healing, and connection.

Before becoming a counselor, Brian worked in the music industry as a producer and songwriter — an experience that continues to shape his curiosity about human stories and the rhythms of emotional life.

Outside the therapy room, he enjoys time with family and friends, the outdoors, and exploring Alabama’s backroads by motorcycle. Learn more about therapy for men and couples in Birmingham, AL, at www.briantmurphy.com.